My name is Aubrey, and I am both a Purl advisor and a proud adoptive mother to three incredible children. Today, I wanted to address a topic that is somewhat overlooked in the world of adoption – something that I have personally encountered while navigating two open adoption relationships one with my oldest daughter’s birth mother and paternal grandmother, and another with the birth mother of my twins. While I won’t delve too deeply into my own experiences, as I prioritize protecting my children’s stories and respecting their amazing birth families, I do want to shed light on the challenges and fears that many prospective adoptive families face when pursuing a second adoption. Click here to learn more about the importance of respecting birth family boundaries.
I must confess that before embarking on my adoption journey, the concept of open adoption seemed a little scary. I had concerns about the potential confusion I believed it could cause a child, and at times, I feared it would diminish my role as a parent. However, as I delved deeper into the subject and gained more knowledge, my perspective on open adoption underwent a significant transformation. As an adoption advisor, I have gained valuable insights into the perspectives of numerous prospective adoptive families regarding open adoption. Click here to read about Purl founder Katie Zimmerman’s personal experience with open adoption. In today’s landscape, expectant mothers most often seek open adoption relationships, and the research shows that open adoption is better for an adoptee and their identity development. Therefore, I strongly encourage families to educate themselves about the advantages of open adoptions. Based on my experiences, I have witnessed that many families who initially had concerns about open adoption eventually feel grateful as they embark on the journey of building a special and unique relationship through openness.
The moment we discovered that our oldest daughter’s birth mother had chosen us will forever be etched in my memory. We were shocked, and I was overcome with a whirlwind of emotions including excitement, honor, and fear. Little did I know what lay ahead on our adoption journey. The path of adoption is filled with unknowns, and I had mentally prepared myself for whatever may come our way. A few weeks later, we received a call from the agency, we had been invited to the upcoming ultrasound appointment just two days away. Without hesitation, we swiftly booked our flight, fully committed and still in disbelief at our good fortune to have the opportunity to meet her and catch a glimpse of the baby who may one day become our daughter. The anticipation as we waited in the doctor’s office was unparalleled, and I had never felt more nervous. Would she like us? Would I unintentionally say something wrong? As it turned out, my apprehensions were justified. It was undeniably awkward to be part of such an intimate moment with a complete stranger. Thinking back, I cannot believe how brave and generous it was for her to include us in this moment. When the monitor displayed the image of a beautiful baby girl, I couldn’t help but shed tears of joy, as I often do. Little did I know that moment was the beginning of a connection that would last a lifetime and our unique open adoption.
Like any relationship, building a strong bond based on love and mutual respect takes time and effort. In our case, we were fortunate enough to begin cultivating that relationship with our oldest daughter’s birth mother even before she was born. This early connection provided us with an opportunity to truly get to know one another. Following the ultrasound, we shared lunch together, engaging in heartfelt conversations and sharing countless laughs that will forever hold a special place in my heart. That experience is something I will always cherish. 6 years later, we still chat often and keep in close contact. We’ve been talking about planning an in-person visit!
Our second adoption journey unfolded in a completely different manner. The birth mother of our twins expressed no interest in meeting us beforehand, so it was a much different experience, but we absolutely respected her wishes. Given the challenging path we had been on to reach this point, the fear was palpable. However, when we finally met the twins and their beautiful birth mother in the hospital the day after they were born, I was struck by her calm demeanor and warm presence. We spent time getting to know her, holding the babies (terrified because they were so tiny and seemed very fragile.) Leaving the room, we had no idea if we would become their parents or not, but little did we know, that encounter marked the beginning of our shared story.
In the weeks that followed, we gradually started exchanging text messages, and it was during this time that she became an invaluable presence in our lives. We now consider her a part of our family. The depth of our connection is truly remarkable, and it fills us with so much gratitude. Today, we communicate via text most weeks, I love sending photos and keeping her up to date with what’s going on and how everyone is doing. We had our first FaceTime on Christmas this year. It was a beautiful moment, and they were able to see their biological siblings as well.
Naturally, I have often worried about the impact of one relationship on the other children. Will there be feelings of jealousy or rivalry? Will one child have a stronger bond than the others? In all likelihood, the answer to these questions is affirmative. As our children grow older, we anticipate that their understanding and perception of their adoption stories will evolve. It’s important to adapt our approach to match their emotional needs. Recognizing that our children will have two different birth families, we are doing our best to create an environment that encourages open dialogue, acceptance, and understanding. We aim to emphasize the significance of these relationships while celebrating the love and commitment we share as a family. We understand that expecting the same level of involvement or connection from each birth mother is unrealistic and may create unnecessary tension. While it can be emotionally challenging at times, remembering that people grow and evolve is an important reminder for myself, and I am committed to keep on putting in the work to maintain a healthy connection.
Whether you’re a first-time prospective adoptive family or pursuing your second or even third placement, as you embark on this path, it’s important to acknowledge that each adoption experience is unique, even when it comes to open adoptions. Here at Purl, we advise adoptive families to remain open-minded about the level of openness they desire in subsequent adoptions. Like so many things during this time, things change and feelings/expectations around openness develop as well. There may be expectations for a very open relationship that never comes to fruition, or a relationship may become more open over time. Therefore, attempting to replicate the same level of relationship as in the first adoption will be very limiting in a second adoption.
Open adoptions offer many benefits for the entire adoption triad (child, birth family, and adoptive family). The ability to establish and maintain a relationship with your child’s birth family allows adoptive parents to provide their children with a deeper understanding of their origins. It also allows birth families to witness and be reassured of the love and care their child receives. Open adoptions often result in an extended family-like relationship, bringing a sense of belonging and support for all parties involved, but most importantly, the child.
At Purl Adoption Advisory we are dedicated to providing expert guidance to assist prospective adoptive families in gaining a deeper understanding of adoption and effectively guiding them through their adoption journey, every step of the way. Please fill out this form for more information about our services.
My name is Aubrey, and I am both a Purl advisor and a proud adoptive mother to three incredible children. Today, I wanted to address a topic that is somewhat overlooked in the world of adoption – something that I have personally encountered while navigating two open adoption relationships one with my oldest daughter’s birth mother and paternal grandmother, and another with the birth mother of my twins. While I won’t delve too deeply into my own experiences, as I prioritize protecting my children’s stories and respecting their amazing birth families, I do want to shed light on the challenges and fears that many prospective adoptive families face when pursuing a second adoption. Click here to learn more about the importance of respecting birth family boundaries.
I must confess that before embarking on my adoption journey, the concept of open adoption seemed a little scary. I had concerns about the potential confusion I believed it could cause a child, and at times, I feared it would diminish my role as a parent. However, as I delved deeper into the subject and gained more knowledge, my perspective on open adoption underwent a significant transformation. As an adoption advisor, I have gained valuable insights into the perspectives of numerous prospective adoptive families regarding open adoption. Click here to read about Purl founder Katie Zimmerman’s personal experience with open adoption. In today’s landscape, expectant mothers most often seek open adoption relationships, and the research shows that open adoption is better for an adoptee and their identity development. Therefore, I strongly encourage families to educate themselves about the advantages of open adoptions. Based on my experiences, I have witnessed that many families who initially had concerns about open adoption eventually feel grateful as they embark on the journey of building a special and unique relationship through openness.
The moment we discovered that our oldest daughter’s birth mother had chosen us will forever be etched in my memory. We were shocked, and I was overcome with a whirlwind of emotions including excitement, honor, and fear. Little did I know what lay ahead on our adoption journey. The path of adoption is filled with unknowns, and I had mentally prepared myself for whatever may come our way. A few weeks later, we received a call from the agency, we had been invited to the upcoming ultrasound appointment just two days away. Without hesitation, we swiftly booked our flight, fully committed and still in disbelief at our good fortune to have the opportunity to meet her and catch a glimpse of the baby who may one day become our daughter. The anticipation as we waited in the doctor’s office was unparalleled, and I had never felt more nervous. Would she like us? Would I unintentionally say something wrong? As it turned out, my apprehensions were justified. It was undeniably awkward to be part of such an intimate moment with a complete stranger. Thinking back, I cannot believe how brave and generous it was for her to include us in this moment. When the monitor displayed the image of a beautiful baby girl, I couldn’t help but shed tears of joy, as I often do. Little did I know that moment was the beginning of a connection that would last a lifetime and our unique open adoption.
Like any relationship, building a strong bond based on love and mutual respect takes time and effort. In our case, we were fortunate enough to begin cultivating that relationship with our oldest daughter’s birth mother even before she was born. This early connection provided us with an opportunity to truly get to know one another. Following the ultrasound, we shared lunch together, engaging in heartfelt conversations and sharing countless laughs that will forever hold a special place in my heart. That experience is something I will always cherish. 6 years later, we still chat often and keep in close contact. We’ve been talking about planning an in-person visit!
Our second adoption journey unfolded in a completely different manner. The birth mother of our twins expressed no interest in meeting us beforehand, so it was a much different experience, but we absolutely respected her wishes. Given the challenging path we had been on to reach this point, the fear was palpable. However, when we finally met the twins and their beautiful birth mother in the hospital the day after they were born, I was struck by her calm demeanor and warm presence. We spent time getting to know her, holding the babies (terrified because they were so tiny and seemed very fragile.) Leaving the room, we had no idea if we would become their parents or not, but little did we know, that encounter marked the beginning of our shared story.
In the weeks that followed, we gradually started exchanging text messages, and it was during this time that she became an invaluable presence in our lives. We now consider her a part of our family. The depth of our connection is truly remarkable, and it fills us with so much gratitude. Today, we communicate via text most weeks, I love sending photos and keeping her up to date with what’s going on and how everyone is doing. We had our first FaceTime on Christmas this year. It was a beautiful moment, and they were able to see their biological siblings as well.
Naturally, I have often worried about the impact of one relationship on the other children. Will there be feelings of jealousy or rivalry? Will one child have a stronger bond than the others? In all likelihood, the answer to these questions is affirmative. As our children grow older, we anticipate that their understanding and perception of their adoption stories will evolve. It’s important to adapt our approach to match their emotional needs. Recognizing that our children will have two different birth families, we are doing our best to create an environment that encourages open dialogue, acceptance, and understanding. We aim to emphasize the significance of these relationships while celebrating the love and commitment we share as a family. We understand that expecting the same level of involvement or connection from each birth mother is unrealistic and may create unnecessary tension. While it can be emotionally challenging at times, remembering that people grow and evolve is an important reminder for myself, and I am committed to keep on putting in the work to maintain a healthy connection.
Whether you’re a first-time prospective adoptive family or pursuing your second or even third placement, as you embark on this path, it’s important to acknowledge that each adoption experience is unique, even when it comes to open adoptions. Here at Purl, we advise adoptive families to remain open-minded about the level of openness they desire in subsequent adoptions. Like so many things during this time, things change and feelings/expectations around openness develop as well. There may be expectations for a very open relationship that never comes to fruition, or a relationship may become more open over time. Therefore, attempting to replicate the same level of relationship as in the first adoption will be very limiting in a second adoption.
Open adoptions offer many benefits for the entire adoption triad (child, birth family, and adoptive family). The ability to establish and maintain a relationship with your child’s birth family allows adoptive parents to provide their children with a deeper understanding of their origins. It also allows birth families to witness and be reassured of the love and care their child receives. Open adoptions often result in an extended family-like relationship, bringing a sense of belonging and support for all parties involved, but most importantly, the child.
At Purl Adoption Advisory we are dedicated to providing expert guidance to assist prospective adoptive families in gaining a deeper understanding of adoption and effectively guiding them through their adoption journey, every step of the way. Please fill out this form for more information about our services.
